More Wednesday
My life these days has become one that is happening beyond my wildest dreams. The relationship that I have been able to find with a Higher Power, God, is absolutely amazing. The spirituality that I have been searching for in most of my adult life is blossoming around me. Life today is nothing short of incredible, - a miracle. It's not always been this way.
There were many years of out and out depression and, as if that wasn't enough, I would fuel these depressions with alcohol - only making them worse. I never seemed to fit in - anywhere. My natural (?) personality, at least as I saw it, was too gay to be straight but also too straight to be gay. Talk about a confused mess of a human being. I would use that fact that I am gay as fuel to flame the self-pity. I would convince myself that I was not "good enough" or that once you got to know me you would hate me. But then, of course, I had to overcome these feelings by being the best at whatever it was I was doing at the time. The physical accomplishments became the focus of my life and the basis for my self-esteem. Then, because the base was fundamentally unsound, my world would come crashing down around me like an avalanche, and I would wind up drunker, lonlier, and more hopeless than ever. There are myriads of tales and adventures, and at some point I may try to re-live some of them here, but not right now. I think that whoever may be reading this will have gotten the gist of what I'm trying to describe by now.
I need to stop for a while but will come back soon with the hope. Because things have changed and my life is being re-built. Being here in Key West has a great deal more to do with that than one might think but that is only a small part of it. Right now I've had a long day, face a long one again tomorrow, and need to rest. I never used to know about the resting part. I would drink myself into a black-out stupor every night and call that rest- sheesh.... More tomorrow and in the meanwhile,- Love and Peace from Key West and from Chris.
There were many years of out and out depression and, as if that wasn't enough, I would fuel these depressions with alcohol - only making them worse. I never seemed to fit in - anywhere. My natural (?) personality, at least as I saw it, was too gay to be straight but also too straight to be gay. Talk about a confused mess of a human being. I would use that fact that I am gay as fuel to flame the self-pity. I would convince myself that I was not "good enough" or that once you got to know me you would hate me. But then, of course, I had to overcome these feelings by being the best at whatever it was I was doing at the time. The physical accomplishments became the focus of my life and the basis for my self-esteem. Then, because the base was fundamentally unsound, my world would come crashing down around me like an avalanche, and I would wind up drunker, lonlier, and more hopeless than ever. There are myriads of tales and adventures, and at some point I may try to re-live some of them here, but not right now. I think that whoever may be reading this will have gotten the gist of what I'm trying to describe by now.
I need to stop for a while but will come back soon with the hope. Because things have changed and my life is being re-built. Being here in Key West has a great deal more to do with that than one might think but that is only a small part of it. Right now I've had a long day, face a long one again tomorrow, and need to rest. I never used to know about the resting part. I would drink myself into a black-out stupor every night and call that rest- sheesh.... More tomorrow and in the meanwhile,- Love and Peace from Key West and from Chris.
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