faith...on friday
God morning on Friday. This is probably my most favorite time of day. As I sit and sip the first cup of coffee, then the thought process clears, the cobwebs dissipate, and the spirit wakens. I say my daily little prayer even as I roll off of the bed and that prayer is one of gratitude. Gratitude; for a life I never thought possible again, for sobriety and all that that brings, to have God as an active part of my life – when I choose to (and that happens more and more every day). The prayer, “Thy will be done”, is no longer simply a piece of fluff to be said only when things don’t go my way. It is no longer mere “sour grapes”.
As I have tried to grow and change and as I’ve tried with everything that I think I’m capable of to let God help me grow and change, then “Thy will be done” becomes an absolute reality – if not a necessity. I am not, nor can I be, “the king”. I do not know everything. I am not, nor, again, can I be “in charge”. Things have not gone and will not always go the way I want them to. And that is probably to the good.
This is not to say that I am a brainless ‘droid of some sort, blindly following some nebulous god. This is not to say that I allow the worst stuff happen to me and then say, “Yeah – Thy will be done”. As a matter of fact, the “worst that could happen” never simply happened to me. I was always the cause through my own (in)action. Things like; by not listening to or not caring about those around me, by blithely going my own way without real purpose or direction, by knowing what a drink will do to me and then going ahead and drinking anyhow. The list goes on and on.
My fears, doubts, and insecurities gain such control in my life that they became realities. At one point I was able to loathe myself so much that not even one word of truth would pass my lips. The mask that cried out, “Accept me, accept me!” was unreachable. Confusion was the order of the day. I did not need or want your lousy help, “Just leave me alone, I’ll be fine, thank-you very much. Now just go away, I need a drink!”. And then, if you can imagine, I could not figure out what was wrong!! Today, and I do thank God for this, that is not the case.
Today I am sober and the brain and the heart work again. Today I allow God to work (on his own and through others) in my life. Today I say “thy will be done” before the shit happens. And then I hope and pray and earnestly try to make sure that I have not said, “Thy will, my way” – because that doesn’t work either.
By having a faith that is beyond my imagination, by using acceptance and gratitude as real working tools in my life, and by ‘doing’ her than simply ‘saying’, then now my life has become immeasurably better. It’s not in my ‘job’ or in the fact that I can take a vacation – those are wonderful parts of the whole – but it’s in the people that I meet and work with. It’s in the things that I’m now able to do and see. It’s in the whole of life around me!
Simply put, it really is “Happy, Joyous and Free” – but that takes some work. I am capable of letting that go in a second so I guess I’d better amend it a bit – “Awake, aware, happy, joyous and free”. Let’s have the best day of days, today….the beginning.
Love and Peace from Key West but on vacation in Maine!
As I have tried to grow and change and as I’ve tried with everything that I think I’m capable of to let God help me grow and change, then “Thy will be done” becomes an absolute reality – if not a necessity. I am not, nor can I be, “the king”. I do not know everything. I am not, nor, again, can I be “in charge”. Things have not gone and will not always go the way I want them to. And that is probably to the good.
This is not to say that I am a brainless ‘droid of some sort, blindly following some nebulous god. This is not to say that I allow the worst stuff happen to me and then say, “Yeah – Thy will be done”. As a matter of fact, the “worst that could happen” never simply happened to me. I was always the cause through my own (in)action. Things like; by not listening to or not caring about those around me, by blithely going my own way without real purpose or direction, by knowing what a drink will do to me and then going ahead and drinking anyhow. The list goes on and on.
My fears, doubts, and insecurities gain such control in my life that they became realities. At one point I was able to loathe myself so much that not even one word of truth would pass my lips. The mask that cried out, “Accept me, accept me!” was unreachable. Confusion was the order of the day. I did not need or want your lousy help, “Just leave me alone, I’ll be fine, thank-you very much. Now just go away, I need a drink!”. And then, if you can imagine, I could not figure out what was wrong!! Today, and I do thank God for this, that is not the case.
Today I am sober and the brain and the heart work again. Today I allow God to work (on his own and through others) in my life. Today I say “thy will be done” before the shit happens. And then I hope and pray and earnestly try to make sure that I have not said, “Thy will, my way” – because that doesn’t work either.
By having a faith that is beyond my imagination, by using acceptance and gratitude as real working tools in my life, and by ‘doing’ her than simply ‘saying’, then now my life has become immeasurably better. It’s not in my ‘job’ or in the fact that I can take a vacation – those are wonderful parts of the whole – but it’s in the people that I meet and work with. It’s in the things that I’m now able to do and see. It’s in the whole of life around me!
Simply put, it really is “Happy, Joyous and Free” – but that takes some work. I am capable of letting that go in a second so I guess I’d better amend it a bit – “Awake, aware, happy, joyous and free”. Let’s have the best day of days, today….the beginning.
Love and Peace from Key West but on vacation in Maine!
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