Thoughts on a Friday...
It has been one hell of a week. I thank God with all of my heart that I have been able to make it through. I have experienced emotions and feelings this week that I barely knew existed. It’s been a week of real growth and change and a brand new understanding of the word acceptance. Although I tried for a while to be bright, upbeat, joyful and free, it just wasn’t what I was feeling and I did not understand what I was actually going through.
I am not used to not being positive about life as it goes on around and with me. I am not used to feeling anguish and pain at this point in my sobriety. I found myself throwing up the masks again (“I’m okay”, “I’m fine.”) and, boy, once I realized what was going on, the red flags started flying at full mast.
I have had to meditate and pray overtime. I had to face reality and the emptiness left in the wake of Red’s passing. It kind of took me by surprise. I never expect to feel lonely or empty and certainly not for someone that I haven’t actually seen in nearly ten years.
What I came to understand was that no matter what the years have brought and no matter where I am, I will always be indelibly “marked” with the goodness and the values that were instilled in me as I grew up. These will always be a part of me, and they were given and taught by Red Lester; through example, through some hard-learned lessons, through the underlying love that was always a part of her being. These things cannot be taken away and make me who I am today. I can understand that a very important part of me is Red.
So, today, instead of sorrow, I feel gratitude and understand that gratitude on a deeper level than I have in the past. Today I have acceptance and an understanding that there really is no death – only passing...that her values will live on in me and in those I touch with my own life.
Thanks for reading this and for helping me through this past week. In the springtime, a Lilac will planted in the Christ Church Memorial Garden, where Red will be laid to (a well deserved) rest tomorrow.
Love and Peace from Key West and from...Chris
It has been one hell of a week. I thank God with all of my heart that I have been able to make it through. I have experienced emotions and feelings this week that I barely knew existed. It’s been a week of real growth and change and a brand new understanding of the word acceptance. Although I tried for a while to be bright, upbeat, joyful and free, it just wasn’t what I was feeling and I did not understand what I was actually going through.
I am not used to not being positive about life as it goes on around and with me. I am not used to feeling anguish and pain at this point in my sobriety. I found myself throwing up the masks again (“I’m okay”, “I’m fine.”) and, boy, once I realized what was going on, the red flags started flying at full mast.
I have had to meditate and pray overtime. I had to face reality and the emptiness left in the wake of Red’s passing. It kind of took me by surprise. I never expect to feel lonely or empty and certainly not for someone that I haven’t actually seen in nearly ten years.
What I came to understand was that no matter what the years have brought and no matter where I am, I will always be indelibly “marked” with the goodness and the values that were instilled in me as I grew up. These will always be a part of me, and they were given and taught by Red Lester; through example, through some hard-learned lessons, through the underlying love that was always a part of her being. These things cannot be taken away and make me who I am today. I can understand that a very important part of me is Red.
So, today, instead of sorrow, I feel gratitude and understand that gratitude on a deeper level than I have in the past. Today I have acceptance and an understanding that there really is no death – only passing...that her values will live on in me and in those I touch with my own life.
Thanks for reading this and for helping me through this past week. In the springtime, a Lilac will planted in the Christ Church Memorial Garden, where Red will be laid to (a well deserved) rest tomorrow.
Love and Peace from Key West and from...Chris
