...sunday musings

It’s been a while since I have had the time or the energy to simply sit and write. Things here have been pretty wild. We’ve been through the threat of three hurricanes in the past month but fortunately have escaped the bad weather. The endless preparation, over and over again, has to be done but gets real “old” real fast…And then, of course, there are the commitments and obligations that have to be put to one side for the time being – only to be made up for at a later date (like this week-end!).

I’ve taken on a few other commitments since coming home from vacation; mainly due to my friend Ronney’s deteriorating state. She is suffering from Lou Gehrig’s Disease and slipping down hill at an alarming rate. At times she is barely understood as she tries to speak. So… I have been able to help her a little more with the restaurant though we both know that I don’t want to be there full time anymore. I stop by in the morning to unlock the gate and open up the bar. I do this as I’m on my way anyhow to unlock and open the AA clubhouse. A little morning perspective from both ends of the spectrum I guess!

It’s been pretty amazing, this trip into spiritual recovery. I find myself chastising myself for not, for example, praying enough, only to realize that my entire life is consumed by prayer in one form or another. The big difference is that I’m not praying to God to get me out of any situations (“O God, get me out of this and I’ll never be bad again”). I’m not praying to win the lottery or inherit a fortune (from who?!!?). I do pray to be able to see my bad habits and faults and to be able to change them. I pray that I can be useful to those around me. I pray to God to use me in any way that he sees fit, - any way at all. I pray for these things “formally” before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning. But, then during the day, I find myself more or less talking to God – not formal prayer but conversation. My awareness is becoming more and more acute every day and it’s really amazing. I am grateful.

I am grateful to be alive and sober today. I am grateful for the friends that I have. I am grateful for being able to work in a field that I have long dreamed of working in. I’m grateful that I can help others; that I can be there for others. I am grateful for those who are there for me when the occasion arises. I am grateful that I have indeed begun to change and grow. I am grateful to be living in Key West.

I still have to transcribe my last day of vacation and will get to that soon enough. For now, I wish you Love and Peace from Key West and from…chris.

faith...on friday

God morning on Friday. This is probably my most favorite time of day. As I sit and sip the first cup of coffee, then the thought process clears, the cobwebs dissipate, and the spirit wakens. I say my daily little prayer even as I roll off of the bed and that prayer is one of gratitude. Gratitude; for a life I never thought possible again, for sobriety and all that that brings, to have God as an active part of my life – when I choose to (and that happens more and more every day). The prayer, “Thy will be done”, is no longer simply a piece of fluff to be said only when things don’t go my way. It is no longer mere “sour grapes”.

As I have tried to grow and change and as I’ve tried with everything that I think I’m capable of to let God help me grow and change, then “Thy will be done” becomes an absolute reality – if not a necessity. I am not, nor can I be, “the king”. I do not know everything. I am not, nor, again, can I be “in charge”. Things have not gone and will not always go the way I want them to. And that is probably to the good.

This is not to say that I am a brainless ‘droid of some sort, blindly following some nebulous god. This is not to say that I allow the worst stuff happen to me and then say, “Yeah – Thy will be done”. As a matter of fact, the “worst that could happen” never simply happened to me. I was always the cause through my own (in)action. Things like; by not listening to or not caring about those around me, by blithely going my own way without real purpose or direction, by knowing what a drink will do to me and then going ahead and drinking anyhow. The list goes on and on.

My fears, doubts, and insecurities gain such control in my life that they became realities. At one point I was able to loathe myself so much that not even one word of truth would pass my lips. The mask that cried out, “Accept me, accept me!” was unreachable. Confusion was the order of the day. I did not need or want your lousy help, “Just leave me alone, I’ll be fine, thank-you very much. Now just go away, I need a drink!”. And then, if you can imagine, I could not figure out what was wrong!! Today, and I do thank God for this, that is not the case.

Today I am sober and the brain and the heart work again. Today I allow God to work (on his own and through others) in my life. Today I say “thy will be done” before the shit happens. And then I hope and pray and earnestly try to make sure that I have not said, “Thy will, my way” – because that doesn’t work either.

By having a faith that is beyond my imagination, by using acceptance and gratitude as real working tools in my life, and by ‘doing’ her than simply ‘saying’, then now my life has become immeasurably better. It’s not in my ‘job’ or in the fact that I can take a vacation – those are wonderful parts of the whole – but it’s in the people that I meet and work with. It’s in the things that I’m now able to do and see. It’s in the whole of life around me!
Simply put, it really is “Happy, Joyous and Free” – but that takes some work. I am capable of letting that go in a second so I guess I’d better amend it a bit – “Awake, aware, happy, joyous and free”. Let’s have the best day of days, today….the beginning.

Love and Peace from Key West but on vacation in Maine!

...thursday on vacation

God morning on Thursday.

Mists, rising off of the marshes and the cries of the loons greeted me today. We got a great deal done yesterday; the new gutters are up on both sides of this tiny little house. Polly claims that I did two days worth of work but that simply isn’t true. I figured out that I would need that time for other things today, so simply finished the project!

Today, Dana and Valerie arrive for a day-trip visit. I expect to eat more lobster and perhaps to go for a sail. Maybe we’ll try to hike to Ship’s Cove and (they can) go for a swim in the Cold Atlantic, but that is probably too much to try and squeeze into a one day visit. The whole purpose of this island would seem to be to relax and reconnect; to re-learn the values of what is really precious in this life. We’ll take the visit a moment at a time.

Tomorrow, back to the mainland and the expected reunion with my stepmother, Eve. I haven’t actually seen Eve in perhaps twenty or more years. We have made much progress in our relationship (or, rather, our non-existent relationship) over the past year as I have re-discovered more and more about myself. As I have allowed God to enter and participate in my life, I have also been able to change, grow, and accept myself for who and what I am. Accepting those around me now becomes so much more rewarding. Acceptance is not always easier, but necessary and then something else,- something better. I am truly looking forward to this visit. Dad and Eve were married for, I guess, thirty or thirty-five years before he died. Eve and I were never able to connect as "mother and son". Perhaps we never will but, we can be at least friends – maybe. I have the feeling that it’s my call – with no expectations as to the response.

What a beautiful morning. I’m listening to Iz as I write. The sun has reached a point where it now warms me. The dog is wandering about, trying to wake his master. The breeze is cool and refreshing. The world is waking. I am at peace…

Dad's Birthday

God morning. Today would have been Dad's 79th birthday. God morning, Dad. How appropriate that I should be here on the Island today. His place is, in a sense, timeless although it has changed a great deal since I first started coming here. There are a couple of new houses and the rest have all been improved in some way or another. The spirit of the Island is what is really changeless.

We arrived at perhaps midday. I brought the Boston Whaler over- loaded with lumber and building supplies, while Polly and Roger came across in the Viking II, a restored wooden launch named for a childhood vessel. Pulling into the harbor brought a sense of "home". Incredible. The day was spent eating lobster for lunch, sailing on the Merkaneag Sound, and a short hike to see the sunset from the western side of the island,- a sunset with majestic Mt. Washington some three hundred miles away yet clear on the horizon. These were simple yet important things to do.

Ah! The sun has broken the horizon. It is almost time to move out to the deck and enjoy the early morning warmth and to watch this northern paradise come to life for another day...God has given me many gifts in this life. The greatest of these, of course, is his love. But his love is expressed in so many different ways. If I can manage to keep my heart and my eyes open, then I am encompassed, almost overwhelmed, by that love. It's not just manifest in the glories of nature, no, not even only in a beautiful day, but in all that surrounds me. People, memories, simplicity itself, even the music which I choose to surround myself with,- all burst with his magnificent love. If I wake in the morning with his name on my lips and gratitude in my heart, then the day has begun on the best note possible.

This island is rich in memories and stories. The previous physical description given earlier is fairly accurate,- pretty much as I remembered, though the highest point is 93 feet and not a hundred and something. "Pirate's Cave" in Little Harbor has long since caved in...but I swear that there are still echoes of kid's laughter in the area. As we landed, trekked, and readied for this three-day sojourn, memories of simpler times (or maybe more complex times, like coming of age) flooded in. Memories and stories of my thirteenth summer, before John Kennedy was shot; before far-reaching and heart wrenching changes. The Summer of Dan Kobic. That was the summer of friendships that seemingly can only be made by thirteen-year-old boys,- in love with life itself. That was a summer and a friendship which all others were to be measured by, but more of that another time.

There are memories, also, of card games (Hearts) and sailboats, of solar eclipses and fishing, of hiking and climbing, of fields of wildflowers in which to hide (and perhaps attack unsuspecting friends as they happened by). All of these memories came as a flood even as we motored over from the mainland. Sheesh!, so much to write about. It will still be there at some point as I continue on this larger adventure that God has given me.

Right this very second, I am listening to the Canadian Brass, performing Pachobel's Kanon in D minor. Memories of dad are flooding through. Happy Birthday, dad. This used to be a difficult time for me - a time of loss and resentments. The man who was "supposed to" love me didn't. I don't want to write about all of that right now as it is all untrue. My own insecurities, doubts, and alcoholism kept me hidden from the reality of my father's love for far too long. The lasting gifts with which he enriched my life far outweigh the self-inflicted and perceived injustices.

Enough for now. Thank-you, God, for this brand new day. May I please keep your love and spirit with me in all that I do today. Please help me to reach out to others. Help me to receive from others. Help me, please, to be the best that I can possibly be today. Help me carry your love and hope with me in all that I do on this momentous day!!

on vacation - day two,early

Day two, God morning. The sun rises almost an hour earlier here in Maine and not quite as abruptly as it does in the Keys. As I look out over New Meadows River (a salt-water estuary) there is an early calm and peace that exists only when surrounded by conifers and birch trees. The early morning “gooney birds” (the cormorants) are already hard at work. The sky is a deep, deep blue and reflected in this tidal river. We are located in a shallow cove along the southern shore. There is a very faint breeze – not even zephyr-like, that brings a ripple to the open part of the river. The inlets are calm and glassy. Many different songbirds are waking with the sound a far different cry from the doves and wild parrots of Key West.

Yesterday was spent in getting familiar with where I am. Familiar is not quite correct; rather re-awakening a part of the soul which has lain dormant for many, many years. The experience of family (at this point, aunt and uncle) is very comforting.

I went to a noontime meeting in a church basement in Brunswick and experienced stories of hope, despair, and then hope again – very similar to the stories heard in Key West, and why wouldn’t they be? Same disease, different place is all. I think that this was the very first time that I have gone “on my own” to a strange meeting and not been fearful of not being accepted. Of course, what I really understand is that today I really do nothing “on my own”. I have invited God to share of this journey and he has accepted the invitation.

Relationships, family and otherwise, were not really a part of yesterday’s experience. Polly and Roger are remarkable people who (as I see it) don’t actually know about their own very special relationship with God, though it actually exists in everything they do – everything! They are, indeed, activists yet they also seem to know of the important personal parts of life to be focused on. Years ago, I used to think that they lived in a world apart from others. The ‘apart’ is still there, but the ‘part of’ is there in ways that I have never seen before. They love each other, those around them, and life very much. In some ways it would seem that they have been short-changed but, in reality, I think not.

The day was spent in hiking around the property and such; discovering pine, spruce, and larch trees that I planted as seedlings perhaps ten or twelve years ago. They are now strong young saplings of twelve to fifteen feet high and on their way to ‘majesticness’. There was also time spent with Roger in his workshop, where everything has a place and everything is actually in the place where it belongs. We packed tools and supplies for a couple of projects to be done on the Island, - remembering that when a project is at a location a mile and a half over open water in the bay there are no quick trips ‘to the hardware store’. We are ready.

Polly went off to deliver a lecture and then to a celebration of Women’s Emancipation (the right to vote). She is very active (not a large enough word) in Women’s History. She has established Women’s Heritage Trails all over the world. She has taught extensively over the years, courses on Women in History. She is also a highly respected author and has published several books dealing with Women in History. She teaches, not only locally, but has lectured all over the world – most recently in Norway.

An aside here, if I may… Though Polly has authored and published many books, I know that her very first published was a children’s story. It was a story that existed on our Island and featured Kathy (who later became Katharine) and me!! Yes, that was the very first one – so long ago that it is barely remembered – probably nearly forty years ago. (I just learned that it appeared in Jack and Jill Magazine in 1965.)

A large book could e written on Polly and Roger’s lives – they are both well into their seventies and are still as active as any young person in the world today… Amazing people of strong stock and generous heart and spirit, they have long been inspirations for me.

Today we travel to our beloved Island; described by memory in another writing. We’ll see how memory compares to reality when I get there, -pretty favorably I would imagine. We will return on Friday morning. I will write more of this Island as time goes by. It was a magical time in my youth and I suspect that it has remained so throughout my life. Sometime I will write about the Summer of Dan. It amazes me, as I sit here at sunrise, to realize how much there is left or re-gained of and through these memories.

I am so very grateful to God and those he works through that I am alive, sober, and free of daemons. The daemons of self-doubt, of self-centered pride, fear of the unknown, and much more no longer exist in my life today. Today there is hope and the beginnings of understanding. Today there is a relationship with myself as a part of the whole picture. It’s not simply Chris’ world, although that certainly exists and is important, but Chris’ contributions and the ability to still learn and share and grow. The roads traveled to get this far have been diverse and sometimes sad and difficult. They have been adventuresome enough, without having to resort to exaggerations or adventures made up. There exists, today, a peace, an understanding, an almost completeness, and a real sense of purpose – a freshness of spirit.

Others are rising now and so the day begins. Thank-you Lord for this time of reflection, this time of regeneration of the soul, this time of peace and understanding. The seeds have been planted.

Love and peace from Key West – though first written in Maine