Gratitude...once more

I am really filled with a great deal of gratitude this evening...gratitude and relief. I am not used to having things wrong with my body that I haven’t done to myself or that I cannot explain. These little incidents over the past couple of weeks did, indeed, make me a little bit uneasy, but only because I didn’t know what was going on.

I still don’t know what is going on, for now, and probably won’t until after the weekend. I do know that if it was anything really serious I’d not be sitting here writing this evening. Even as I was lying in the space capsule (MRI machine) this afternoon, my thoughts were of thanking God for all the gifts given to me, especially the gift of sobriety which allows all of the others. I am so grateful to be sober. Sobriety means more to me than anything else in the world – as without sobriety I would have nothing.

I am grateful for friends; met and, as yet, unmet. I am grateful that there are people in this world who care for me. When I wrote to my Mom about this situation I was very explicit in letting her know that I had a wonderful support group, both here in Key West and online. She understood the Key West part but the online part is still a little baffling for her. I honestly do not know where I would be if it weren’t for the people that I talk to, send cards to, hear from, chat with, and care about every day. I honestly don’t know how things would be without all of you in my life today and I thank God that you are here – each and everyone of you.

I have spent time with BETH and with BARNEY. I have met GREG here in Key West. In each case the actual meeting went well beyond my hopes, imaginings, and expectations. There is no reason for me to believe that there would be anything different in meeting each of you – and I intend to do that as time goes on. I cannot imagine a better group of friends or for support. Here in paradise, I have my sponsor, Charlie, and my co-workers and other friends in and out of the program. I have Steve and Ronney, who for all intents and purposes, are family. I have got to be the wealthiest person in the world. That is to say, wealthy in the things that really matter.

My alcoholism was to lead me back to God, as I understand God. By staying sober on a daily basis, then my faith in God was to grow and grow. Today I honestly believe that there is not one thing in the world that could happen to me that I could not let God handle for me. Through AA and by living the steps to the absolute best of my ability, I have been able to change and grow (and am able to keep changing and growing) into a person who is able to love and is able to allow himself to be loved. What a miracle that is...

Enough for now, I really do have to get ready to teach our otters tonight. This has been sort of a warm up... I thank you all from the deepest part of my heart.

Saturday, ramblings and thoughts - Autumn '05

I’m typing this out in MS Word, as there seem to be countless interruptions tonight.

It’s been a long and wonderful, though sometimes a little sad. One of the otters got a Barry Manilow CD (The best of??). I could only listen to so much of it before I asked him to wait until I was off duty to play any more. I have nothing against Barry Manilow. I actually like a lot of his tunes, but some of them make me cry and set me in a mood where I start to remember (or fantasize) what I “could have had”. That’s not a place where this alcoholic should venture – ever.

Tom covered for me at the house for a couple of hours while I went to the restaurant and got the lumber for the roof in place. The restaurant is having a very difficult time in understanding that I have a “real” job and it is not at Willie T’s. I cannot be there every time a light bulb needs to be changed. When the place was actually my ‘career’, well then I was there when anything needed to be done, but life moves on. I sometimes I want to cry at the mismanagement that I see, but it is out of my hands now. Ronney has degenerated to the point where she either doesn’t know or she cannot do anything about what is going on there. It’s sad, but life still moves on and I grow and I change – we all do. The “wonder years” were exactly that and nobody can take what Ronney, Steve, and I had built away from us. Willie T’s will (sooner rather than later) die or get sold or simply cease to exist as we’ve known it.

My own health has many people concerned. I am (for a change) concerned as well. I have always been healthy and filled with life while I was sober. I’m not worried, just concerned that whatever is going on can be dealt with before major problems may set in. In the past, I would simply ignore warning signs, hoping that whatever it was would go away. So...Monday is a whole series of tests and a round of doctor’s appointments and we’ll try to get to the bottom of all of these minute blackouts and momentary dizzy spells. I also need to get to the optometrist and have my eyes checked. Probably need new glasses. It’s been over a year since the last check. Sheesh!...I never used to have to think about any of this stuff. The machine at the supermarket says that my blood pressure is normal and that I’m about five pounds overweight. The machine lies. I am at least ten pounds overweight!

Enough of all that – Guess I had to get some of it out. I am grateful to be alive and sober today. Little bumps in the road cannot subvert my faith in God, nor can these bumps give me a reason to drink. I will continue to read from the BB and work and live the steps on a daily basis. That’s the reason that I am able to say “Life is good, very good indeed.”

‘Talk’ to all’y’all later. Love and Peace from Key West and from ...Chris.

Summer 2005

It's been a while since I have had the time to sit and write at any length at all. My life is incredibly rich and full. Years ago, when I was a Moonie, we used to have to chant that phrase over and over again whenever we were "fighting it out". Today, rich and full comes from the heart and has new meaning. Working and living in sobriety has brought a whole change of life that keeps on getting better.

A couple o f weeks ago, I was able to return to New England for an eight-day vacation...and what a wonderful vacation it was. I was able to see family that I don't see very often (though we e-mail). I was able to spend time with on-line friends I have made and had never actually met until now. What a grand time that was!! Rollercoasters and waterparks... I was able to go sailing and hiking off the coast f Maine. I was able to go swimming in the Caribbean before I actually left for vacation. I was able to be with and share with people that I would not ordinarily get to spend any real time with. I was able to speak at a recovery center in Central New York. I was able to share at a meeting in Waltham, Massachusetts. I missed a hurricane here in Key West! I drove 1493 miles all over New England and New York in a rental car. I ate at nice restaurants and roadside snack places. I had clams and oysters...and real Maine lobster!!

I stayed sober.

Life is good -- very good indeed.